Giving Myself a Little Credit

Today is the day I forgive myself for the homebirth and actually give myself a little stinking credit.

For 10 years I've been saying it was sheer luck that got us through a crash C-section with no ill effects and not even a second of NICU time. That he had meconium was no surprise because he was in distress. But the fact is he was monitored the whole time, even at home by the midwives, and he had not been in distress until we arrived at the hospital. He was in distress for minutes only.

That is because in spite of the decision to homebirth, I actually made a lot of good decisions along the way.

I read voraciously. Everything I could get my hands on. Some were better info than others but I absorbed it all.

So when a close friend recommended her fabulous awesome midwife who heroically sat in the corner knitting for 3 days while she labored, refusing to budge, refusing to give up and go to the hospital, I knew THAT was not a wise path. I went with more conservative types. They were still midwives though.

I knew that when my water broke in the birthing pool (I felt it pop and gush) we had 24 hours before risk of infection.

I knew that my contractions were as strong as they needed to be and the lack of dilation was a problem. 

I knew at 23 hours of labor at home it was time to go to the hospital, much to my bitter disappointment and defeat. Those crushing emotions did not justify making further bad decisions at the risk of my baby. So I didn't. I made a good decision to go to the hospital when I did.

When they put me on the monitor, baby looked fine. They offered me an epidural. The midwives pressed for me to get pitocin to strengthen the contractions in the hopes of still doing a vaginal birth. I knew that would have been a mistake, putting more pressure on an object that is refusing to budge when my pain was already a 10 did not seem wise. I am extremely glad I resisted the pitocin. THAT felt like a birth injury waiting to happen. 

I got an epidural instead and sent all the midwives home. THAT is when the fetal distress started and the doctors said its time for a C-section. I took a few minutes to process this but did not resist. They topped off the epidural and carted me to the OR and Parker was out soon after.

So, yeah, the decision to homebirth was a bad one. For me. But I made a lot of good judgement calls along the way that I believe in hindsight really kept us safe, considering.

And then for baby #2 I didn't fight the planned c-section. It was SUCH a better experience. But in the end, both in spite of and because of myself, I have two healthy boys.

After 10 years, its time to stop beating myself up.

Teaching Econ 101 Through Chores

Or: The Great Child Labor Exploitation Experiment

“Mommy! I fed the chickens!” I startled awake. What did he do? What did my 5 year old do? 

He tries to explain and its sounding more and more worrisome. What type of substance did he put where, on or in the chicken coop? Are the dogs out too? Did he let the chickens out? If they combine, that’s the end of my darling little flock. I hadn’t had a chance to “train” Wiley on the chore and he was already attempting it. I struggle out of bed and head to the living room to begin my investigation.

I find my 7 year old sweep/vacuuming very intently. He explains he has just finished the living room and will be getting to the kitchen next.

What is going on?

Oh right! The chore chart. I had posted it in the kitchen the night before. They found it and began earnestly devouring all the chores listed thereon with gusto before 8am on a Sunday.

I continue my soft interrogation of the 5 year old to find out what he fed them. He found the oregano/meal worm chicken treats we sometimes give them and gave them a handful. He let them out to free range after the dogs were safely inside. What a good boy! I explained what he did right, and what entails doing a good job on that chore and that I will show him later if he wants to learn and get the full dollar. I added “Let chickens out” to the chore chart and assign a price that he agrees to.

Yesterday, he asked for dollars. But not in a demanding way. In a way that opened a door for me. I’m very open with my kids about work and paying bills and mortgages and money. He was already negotiating with me. He wanted a job.

Jordan Peterson talks about humans needing to pull a weight to feel content and peaceful. Wiley is my “problem child” – a term I use very loosely. He is a sweet angel compared to other “problem children” but he is very intelligent, very witty, thrives on attention and drama and has some difficulty controlling his emotions at times.

The “pulling a weight” concept immediately came to mind. I made a deal with him.

I said “Wiley, you could really help me out with some big problems here at home, and for that I would pay you some money. But I do really need help and you do have to earn this money.” He was ecstatic about this and was listening intently at this point. “Tonight after you go to bed I will make up a chore chart: a list of chores that you can do with a price for each one. Some of them you may not want to do for that money and that’s OK. Parker might be willing to do them. If neither of you wants to do them, I might have to pay more money. But if the price gets too high, I will do it myself. At the end of the day, I will total up the dollars and cents you earned for each chore and give you that money. Sound good?”

He was thrilled. We went to get Parker and explained the deal to him.

Further rules were specified. You do have to actually do a good job and put forth a valiant effort in order for the money to be earned. And you never get paid to clean your own room. To me, you should take pride in your space and make it nice for yourself. I don’t want that idea to be lost.

I explained to them that this was a real problem they could help solve in our house. I told them I just paid a cleaning lady $100 to do some of these chores and I wasn’t happy about having to do that. She lets the cats out without thinking about it. (They are indoor cats who dart. She props doors open and doesn’t care. She’s not a pet person.) She breaks things. She has vacuumed up (and destroyed) hard-to-replace wires by my bedside more than once. She scrubs our Teflon pans with metal scouring pads. But I say “thank you” to her because overall she does achieve more order in our chaos.

We need to be achieving our own order though.

I was never raised with assigned chores or an allowance in exchange for chores and it was a matter of principle. But the net effect was a messy house AND a stressed out mother. But WHY, if I am willing to pay someone $100 a fortnight, would I not be willing to pay my own progeny a fraction of that and at the same time teach them valuable lessons about economics? And chores and household contributions… and possibly collective bargaining.

By the end of the first day, my 7 year old knocked out many of the high-dollar chores and earned $3.20. Including scooping out the cat box – the DOOZIE in our house. The little one earned a respectable $0.60.

By the second day I had to negotiate who’s turn it was to put away baskets of laundry for 50 cents, the winner being the one getting to do it. (and me, of course.)

This experiment is on-going, but I am thinking it will be concentrated on weekends, when they are in the mood to do chores and earn money. So far on school days, they need their down time. Also prices will have to increase quite a bit as time goes on and skills improve, and I am dying to find out if they will collectively bargain against me… We shall see.

More to come…

In Defense of Screen Time

“Mommy, how do you spell ‘red eyes?’” Parker asks, coming out from behind the WiiU.

I spell it outloud for him and then he asks me to write it down. I add it to a growing list of words on a piece of paper he has asked me how to spell for his MineCraft world. Today he has created a den of pet spiders and has discovered how to give them name tags. This spider’s name is “Red Eyes.”  Parker is 6. He will start first grade in a couple weeks.

I’m seeing more and more articles urging parental alarm at how much screen time our kids are getting. Why, in our day, kids played outside. With real life friends in meat world.  We rode our bikes without helmets and knee pads. We were concussed on the regular and we LIKED it! Built character. Today’s youth are ruining their brains with all this screen time!

I know, I know. Screen time is turning kids’ brains into mush. I hear you, I just have my doubts. Like it or not screens have taught my boys all kinds of things I have no interest in - like Minecraft. All those stupid videos they watch have taught them the ins and outs of this complex and imaginative game. I can’t teach them this! When I first sat down to it I was totally perplexed.... uhhhhh I have no idea what the point of this is. Now my 5 and 6 year olds are explaining it to me!

It reminds me of all the typing classes foisted upon us back in the 80’s and 90’s. Keyboarding. Ugh. Was there ever a more boring class? In the history of ever? I took more than one. In case I became a secretary. (OK, so I did become a press secretary. And I did actually use Ron Paul’s dictaphone. Fascinating technology, that.) But none of my generation REALLY learned to type with any proficiency until AOL Instant Messenger. Then suddenly we were all typing a million words a minute. Never before. No class motivated us like chatting with friends.

Parker is learning how to type and spell because those are useful skills in his game.

We have also taught the boys how to search for Youtube videos using voice recognition. This empowers them beyond their literacy level to explore whatever topics they fancy. There are a million videos they find that way. My 6 year old watches some junk (as do I) but he also loves learning about sink holes, snakes, sharks, tornadoes and minerals. He can do this independently, through the miracle of modern screen technology.

Experts say we need to be worried about the amount of time they spend on their devices. Too much time stunts their development, and thus we need to impose strict limits with stopwatches or special parental controls or wifi routers that automatically kick them off for blocs of time. I’m skeptical.

One thing I know about child/human psychology is that what you limit becomes more precious. I won't impose a limit on my sons’ screen time[1]. I do require educational workbook pages to be done every day. They have to complete 3-5 pages in their workbooks to get their devices back. But after that I allow them to get bored and restless naturally. And they do eventually change activities. Right now they are playing with magnetic silly putty at the dining table. Nice and tactile and sciency. This was at their request. Eventually they will resort to running around the house playing whatever brotherly game they have come up with, at which point I will try to toss them outside to play. They don’t want to sit around in front of screens all day with no breaks any more than I do. I probably get more screen time than they do and I need frequent breaks.

Look at the world around us. Wherever you see people they are staring at their phones. By the derision of this phenomena you’d think they were all watching the Hamster Dance on repeat while drooling uncontrollably. They aren’t. They are engaging and learning and bonding and debating and teasing their brains. That’s the world my boys are growing up in.

Same goes for TV. You should see the kids who visit us who get very limited TV time and a narrow array of content. We have television on almost all the time and occasionally we pay attention. The more strictly limited visiting kids are enraptured by the TV and cannot be bothered to socialize and play while they are with us. It’s actually a little frustrating for my boys who are happy to have a friend over, but SSSSHHHHHH! TV! We're like, yeah? So?

I've had those moms ask me "How do you DO that? How do you get them not to care about TV?" And then I have to get all into economics and supply and demand and pricing and opportunity cost… It comes down to keeping it on all the time, or whenever they want it - which is unacceptable right out the gate. Have it your way.

Still need convincing?

What if you told someone from 20 years in the past that we all have in our pockets the key to all human knowledge ever, at the mere swipes and taps of our fingers -

And we strictly limit our children's access to it.

How would that feel coming out of your mouth?

---

[1] Now, we must have frank conversations with our kids about engaging with people online and the various ugly things and people that are out there. Absolutely. But my larger goal is not sheltering my kids as much as preparing my kids. Right now Youtube Kids provides a fairly safe environment for them to explore. We will deal with the special challenges growing up in an internet age brings as they come.

Teaching my kids to be good

My concept of parenting, before I had kids, was a lot of screaming at them not to do stuff. Don't fight. Don't hit your brother! Stop taking his toys! Don't bite him! Will you stop touching him! To be sure there IS a lot of that. But I approached this with the idea that there could be much more to it than simply eliminating bad behavior. And in fact, the best way to eliminate bad behavior would be to replace it with good behavior.

Coupled with that idea was the concept that children tend to live up (or down) to your expectations. I had this vague observation that the types of people who assumed that children, their children, were innately entitled, selfish, mean-spirited little trolls in need of constant discipline tended to have children that turned out that way. Mean-spirited, selfish trolls that were constantly being screamed at and corrected. Sometimes it seems like that's the only attention some kids get. "Stop that!"

If children live up to our expectations, let's expect something else.

So instead I operate with the assumption that my boys are lovable, loving, good-natured, sweet, generous, compassionate, friendly, smart little men who are just searching for a way to communicate those things to the outside world. My job is to help them make friends and be friends, to make others laugh and smile, to learn how to love and express love, how to interact with the world in ways that communicate those intentions to others. This is a different approach than drilling them to pedantically recite please and thank you and I'm sorry where socially required. And in our case, it shines through.

They love the little dialogue of "Tenk ooo" "You're welcome" that they get to have with adults and relatives, and even each other. They get such positive reactions from saying these polite things that they do it as often as possible. When I tell them "Say thank you" its not a lecture, its a reminder that this is an opportunity to play that little game they love. And they almost always do.

But its deeper than please and thank you.

As I was sitting here writing this, they were playing with each other and the younger one got upset about something, probably a stolen toy. His brother saw his tears and that he was upset and shifted gears. He actually hugged and kissed his brother and said "It's OK, Wiley." Wiley stopped crying. I taught him that. Not by lecturing him not to be bad and mean, but by showing him how to express love and concern for his brother.

They are certainly not perfect - that is not what this blog is about. Of course they fight, they steal toys, they hit and all those normal toddler things. But they also know how to make up, and even how to negotiate. I've taught them that instead of simply taking a toy from someone, they should offer a trade. They like this tactic and use it often. Not always successfully and then we're back to just taking it, but it warms my little capitalist heart to see Parker go find a train to offer Wiley for a truck he has. And if the train doesn't work, he knows to up the ante. I've even seen Parker offer a toy for nothing in return when a shy kid arrives at the Barnes & Noble train table. Just as a way to make a friend. That concept is incredibly valuable and will serve him well in life. The power of simple kindness.

But on our good days when people see my boys interacting this way with others and with each other, sometimes they wonder how I do it. I think it has a lot to do with this underlying philosophy.

Just expect that your kids are warm, loving little fuzzballs that want to love and be loved by the world and you will see your job as a parent in a very different light.

Just sent to my NC legislator, re: H155 to decrim lay midwives

Dear Ms. Avila,

I am your constituent at xxxxx, Raleigh NC and I attempted a home birth in Virginia when I lived there 2 years ago. I was attended by CPMs who I thought were good caregivers and knew when transfer was appropriate and we are all OK now, but I have become very disillusioned with homebirth through my experience, which ended in emergency transport and c-section. I consider it an extremely close call and we were very lucky.

Come to find out, according to the British Medical Journal Birthplace study, transfer rates for first time moms at a home birth can be upwards of 45%. This information was not available to me in 2010 when I gave birth. If I had known my odds of transfer were close to 50/50 I'm sure I would not have done it. My midwives charged an arm and a leg and none of it was refunded or reimbursed by insurance even though I was led to believe it would be.

There are monied interests behind home birth and it is an industry as much as anything.

I believe home birth is dangerous. Very dangerous. But our black market here in NC makes it even more dangerous. That's why I am in favor of H155 - but I think it needs something very important - an outcomes reporting requirement.

Did you know that the Midwives Alliance of North America (MANA) has a huge statistical database of over 27,000 homebirths with outcomes but refuses to share that data? They claim home birth is so safe, yet they refuse to prove it by showing us the numbers. Could it possibly be that the numbers actually disprove their claims of safety?

I would love to see NC legislators demand to see MANA's data on safety before moving forward with this bill, and also adding a requirement that direct entry midwives report how many women they take on as clients every year and how many deaths or injuries their clients and babies experience. Colorado and Oregon have requirements like this and it gives the true picture of homebirth safety, despite the claims. THAT is the best protection for NC women, in my opinion. http://www.skepticalob.com/2012/06/no-wonder-colorado-homebirth-midwives.html

Make it legal, but also make it transparent. Women should know the truth.

Thank you!

The Bird Feeder

I looked out my window at my empty bird feeder as I was feeding my baby this morning.  No birds.  No birdseed, no birds.  My once teeming and colorful porch was bereft of life and feathers.  Its not that I had nothing to offer them.  I did.  There is a whole box full of seeds downstairs.  I just have to put them out there.

But I am stuck on the couch with this baby.  And as we know, babies don't keep.

I know this.  Once I have a moment, I will put what I have out there and they will find their way back to me. I'll get my birds back.

I just have to put myself out there.  I have much to offer.  But I need this time with my baby, and its OK.  I'm not gone, I've not disappeared.  I'll be back.

Confessions of an Ex-Minion

I guess its a sign of the times when you get all emotionally fraught about leaving a Facebook group... but I do.  And I always feel so weird about feeling so sad about it.  It's just a Facebook group.  But they can become addictive and cliquish.  They can be a great way to connect and bond with people over an interest.

Or they can suck you into pointless arguments and show you the worst side of people you thought you respected.

Meh...

I had to leave Dr Amy's Fed Up group that I've been with for... awhile.  Nearly two years I guess.  I'm done giving birth though (I'm pretty sure) and I think I'm done hearing about dead home birth babies.  I feel the need to move on anyway.  But I just can't stomach the pro-circumcision voices in that group, including Dr. Amy herself.  She recently lauded the AAP statement in disgustingly hyperbolic terms, making claims about circumcision far beyond what the AAP was even willing to say.  It's NOT some simple, safe, or effective miracle cure or prevention for anything.  The AAP made the most minimally positive statement about it that they could in order to encourage insurance providers to keep paying or resume paying pediatricians to perform circumcisions.  That's about it.  Their member pediatricians were having trouble getting reimbursed for something classified as wholly cosmetic and non-therapeutic by this organization, so they tried to back peddle JUUUST enough to get the money to flow again.  They had to really grasp at straws and junk science to do so.  Dr. Amy made much more out of the statement than was really there, and admitted she takes a lot of flak for her position on circumcision.  She just loves it, apparently.  Loves it.  It prevents AIDS and cancer and UTIs and the whole rank and file of usual suspects.  She didn't mention paralysis or masturbation or epilepsy or any of the old school things it used to cure/prevent.

I think I know where she's coming from.  As an OB she almost certainly performed them.  As a softie for babies she had to know the pain she was causing and she had to make herself believe it was for the greater good.  As a mother, she likely had son(s)? circumcised.  As a human being, she is now only seeking out confirming information, so this revision from the AAP was a wonderful relief to hear.  She was not harming babies after all.  Maybe some doubts had crept in from time to time, but we can sweep all that aside, its official.  The AAP is wildly in favor of circumcision; the question of harm/benefit is therefore settled.  We can't pick and choose what stances of an esteemed scientific body we agree with or don't.  It's science.

Except that in the post RIGHT BEFORE she calls out the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists for bad recommendations on midwifery and she claims its all about money.  Basically the same reasons I rail against the AAP for their stance on circ.  Check the bullet points.  Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes those are all very similar to the complaints lodged against the AAP this week by intactivists so no complaining about picking and choosing.  Any skeptic would and should question authority, even medical authorities... who are actually really trade associations when you come right down to it, and sometimes they act that way.

I interact well with lots of people who disagree with me on circumcision.  We can agree to disagree and we can simply not discuss it, or if we do, we can discuss the issue and not resort to name calling nonsense and personal attacks.  I hit hard on the issue of circumcision.  The practice insults my soul.  But I attack the practice and the ideas behind it, not the people.  Well, except for the advocates of it.  But - I think mothers who have done it to their babies and many doctors who've performed it for various reasons can be victims of the practice as much as the boys are.

And if you really think about it, circumcision probably causes much more harm than home birth and natural birth advocacy.  Home birth is a fringe-y extremist thing to do.  A fraction of a percent, a handful of deaths.  Circumcision is still suffered by some 50% of American baby boys, killing as many or more baby boys as SIDS in the time frame that they are at greatest risk.  But just as home birth deaths are under reported and misreported, circumcision deaths are almost always attributed to things not called "circumcision" on a death certificate.  Like septic shock and hemorrhage.  Not to mention the men suffering in silence from shameful complications.  Some are not so silent anymore.

I can deal with people who disagree with me.  I don't think I can deal with an advocate.  Especially an advocate who purports to be a skeptic and scientifically minded.  She of all people should know better.  She can spot junk science when she sees it - and when it recommends home birth.  But rather than accepting a little cognitive dissonance and admitting circumcision is actually wrong after all in spite of what she believed in the past, she has doubled down.  I can't respect that.  I understand it, but I don't respect it.     

So I left the group.  If you see circumcision the way I do, its just not something a nice person would want to associate themselves with.

PS: It may or may not be material that Dr. Amy is Jewish. But she was curiously silent when I tried to establish common ground that we could at least oppose circumcision by laypeople in non-medical environments on the same grounds we oppose home birth by CPMs. In other words, the obviously unsafe practice of mohels performing circumcisions in homes and temples. Many Jews now have it done in hospitals by doctors who are also mohels. I thought we could at least agree on that. Nope.

My thoughts ahead of the AAP statement

If the AAP changes their stance to recommend circumcision in whole or in part based on the African trials and STD risk, they are going to have massive amounts of egg of their face as the stats come in that the circ campaign over there is having the opposite effect and is in fact largely to blame for an increase in HIV rates. Why? Its obvious. Circumcision does not in any way protect against HIV. However, the impression the campaign is giving, rightly or wrongly, is that it is an AIDS vaccine. The men who hear *that* message are the ones getting cut. The ones who listen more closely and realize that you still need to use condoms whether or not you are cut are *not* the ones getting cut - because what's the point? So you have an encouragement of risk behaviors. Not only that, but a not insignificant source of HIV infection in Africa is iatrogenic from improperly sterilized equipment. Many men will get HIV simply from the procedure itself, as any procedure involving needles in Africa involves risk.

So if the AAP softens their stance, they will quickly need another revision. It will be short-lived.

The truth is this is an emotionally fraught issue with a lot of people with a lot at stake in legitimizing circumcision because the alternative is inconceivable and unacceptable. It would mean that they have engaged in genital mutilation (YES I USE THAT WORD) for absolutely no good reason and it makes them terribly uncomfortable.

Which is why I just think everyone who's done it in the past, sincerely believing that it was for the child's own good should get a pass. Fine. You did what you thought was best. It's fine. Let it go. Forget about it. But moving forward, the people who should know better, have all the information right there at their fingertips and refuse to *see* it, at the expense of future children... well, you don't get a pass. You should be willing to go through a little emotional discomfort in order to save a child from physical torture.

Breast may be best, but Similac is super!

We had a good day, Wiley and I.

Because why?  I believe it is because I've fed him formula all night and all day.  I just forced (and yes, I do have to insist on it) 4 ounces of breastmilk down him, for vitamins, ooligowhoosiwhatchits and antibodies.  And also, frankly because I'm running out of storage space for it all and its getting old.  I've started freezing it and I don't have many bags left.  I'm hoping by the time I run out, the No More Milk tea will have worked its blissful magic and I will be done with the pumping and he can have one feeding of breastmilk for awhile...

But he burps easier, he settles easier... sleeps easier, which means guess who else sleeps easier too?

Related (probably): I am down to 115 pounds.  I started the pregnancy at 135 and maxed at 146 and one month post partum I have dropped 30 pounds.  Amazing.  Everything in the closet fits.  There are no jeans I can't squeeze into.  Some things are way too big now.

I wonder if my breastmilk really is watery, not nutritious enough to satisfy him and really feed him.  Its like I'm pouring gas water down his throat for all the peace and satisfaction its supposed to give him.

Hubby and I agree on ramping down.  We're both sick of this.  Is there anything I've been lied to more, heard more hyperbole about than breastfeeding?

An LLL leader posted a bromide about breast being awesome because there are no recalls on breasts.  I retorted - mine are definitely defective.  The problem is there is no return policy either.

She deleted the comment.

Happy Valley and Circumcision

From the beginning of the breaking of the scandal, something about it parallels the circumcision debate for me in a way that's maybe difficult to articulate.  Recently someone posted on their facebook wall complaining about the pillorying (is that a word?) of Paterno when Sandusky is the criminal and where the focus should be.  Yes, but...

My comment on that: "Yes, the crimes were committed by Sandusky, but the fact is he was never going to stop himself. He had a sick complulsion, and the only way to stop him was through outside actors - who refused to act in any meaningful way. And so the abuse continued. After he was caught in the act. After multiple people witnessed it and were in a position to act. This could have continued until Sandusky went to his grave, and if people had still neglected to act there would just be more victims. Yes, Sandusky was ultimately the criminal. But if no one stops him, even after knowing full well what was going on... for whatever reasons... what does that say about the culture there? And THAT is what is enraging people about this."

How is this like circumcision?  It's sort of exactly like circumcision.  The more you learn about the procedure and what is taken from the boy (or girl) the more you are forced to recognize it as sexual mutilation and abuse.  Its as if you become McQueary walking into the locker room.  You hear the slapping sounds and you look.  And you can't unsee what you've seen after you watch a circumcision video or see one in person. After you realize that most of the world doesn't do this and this is not the human norm.  There is no reason to do this, but for the sexual preferences of adults forced on children at their most vulnerable.

But we all live in Happy Valley.  We are all surrounded by people with something at stake in pretending.  Pretending we don't know, we didn't see, or that's everything is actually OK.  What we saw in the shower is between Sandusky, the boy and his parents.  They chose to send him to Sandusky for a beneficial experience.  Parents choose to offer up their infant boys for a beneficial procedure.  I suppose the Sandusky boys' parents were presumed to know and be OK with what was going on and us Mike McQuearys should really butt out.  Its not our business.  Leave it alone and everything will be OK.

Pay no attention to the man in the shower.  Pay no attention to the men and women with knives.  Don't look into that 11 year old boy's eyes.  Don't help him.  Don't jump Sandusky and knock the daylights out of him, call the cops and get a rape kit on that boy for absolute proof and no chance of any more victims. That's what we intactivists really want to do, but its so frustrating.  We live in Happy Valley.

In Happy Valley there are only the concerns of adults at play.  Don't disrupt the football program.  Don't upset all the players, parents, doctors, cut men, etc. who have been affected by circumcision in the past.  Don't invite a slew of lawsuits.  Everyone is Happy.  Can't we just keep it that way?

We can, if you just look the other way and consider the rights of parents to make these decisions for their children.  We can, if you just solely consider religious freedom to circumcise.  Pretend that a child's right to their whole body does not supercede that.

That's hard for some people.  We're not all Mike McQueary.  And we're not all Joe Paterno.

Checked out

So I had the mole checked out today.  You know, the one I always sort of knew was cancer, but if a doctor never says cancer to you, you never have to deal with it.  So I put it off and put it off.  Then I showed it to DH and he got all pale and said have it checked.  Tomorrow.  Geez.  OK.

And then by the time I'm driving to the appointment I'm wondering who is going to take care of the kids growing up, and will it be painful in the end... and just hoping against all hope that this might qualify as "early" as far as catching it.  Where would it spread to first?  My lungs?  How much chemotherapy?  How will I look bald?  Maybe an alternative treatment will work...

Got to the office and 40 minutes after my appointment time they call me.  I have the baby with me, which is not fun, but a good distraction.  I get him situated and the doc looks at my back, pokes at it, and...

...its just ugly.  That's all.  It's completely harmless.  I could have it removed, but for cosmetic reasons only.  Insurance won't even cover it, its so harmless, but its not that expensive to freeze off if it bothers me.  Meh.  It really doesn't.  Maybe someday but not today.

The doctor gives me a brochure on "mature skin" LOL and sends me on my way.  I'm sure I'd sleep better tonight, but for my 4 week old.

Now go get YOUR thing checked out that's been scaring you.  Chances are its nothing and YOU can sleep better.

It's my post partum and I'll cry if I want to

So going through my cabinets looking for gripe water to soothe my little one's umpteenth gas episode and I find a box of "No More Milk" tea I so presciently ordered for myself months ago, I guess as a little pre partum gift, permission to stop the insanity at any time.  I had low expectations for myself.  I was dreading just exactly this most of all and I found myself a way to stop it.  I set it out on the countertop and I keep staring at it and my tea kettle, and then erupting in fresh tears.  Why is it so heartbreaking to just... STOP.

Stop stop stop.  Stop the tears, the pain, the pumping, the indignity of it all.  Just stop.  Make the tea and ramp it down.  The engorgement might take a couple more hours to come.  A little more rest, a little more sanity.  I've been giving Wiley formula since early this afternoon and after I had a bite to eat myself, we've both settled down a bit.

And I just had the brilliant idea to swaddle him aaaand he's sleeping.  awww... such an angel when he sleeps!

To my LC

Sent this email to the LC who came over, after I told her it wasn't thrush and she offered to come back to work on latch some more:

"Every time I latch him on, even if its one of our better attempts, with minimal creasing, the pain is aggravated and they remain super sensitive for the rest of the day to the point where holding my baby against me becomes very unpleasant.  Wearing a seatbelt  is very unpleasant.  I don't think I can handle the pain that working on his latch would entail.  I can't really do it more than once a day without it becoming absolutely excruciating, and that's too infrequent to make any difference I think.  And since its not thrush, I don't think it can really be helped.  I don't think this kind of pain is all due to just a bad latch, I think its just the way I am.  It's all well and good for people to claim breastfeeding is not supposed to hurt.  The fact is, for me, it just does.  Breastfeeding for me is nothing but misery.  Its not like that for everyone, but it is for me.  This time I wanted to really explore every option for normalcy, whatever that is, and I think I have and can look back and appreciate that.  I think holding and cuddling my baby are frankly more important than breastfeeding and even breast milk, as is wearing a seatbelt, and going about day to day activities without constantly wanting to climb a wall from sensitivity and pain.

At least I can pump and I'll just continue to do that for awhile.  But since he seems so much more settled, satisfied and less gassy on formula, its hard for me to see who the "breast is best" for in our situation.

Thanks for trying though."

Its been a pretty miserable couple of nights.  Takes a long time to get a burp up and by then he's hungry again so its a constant cycle of feeding, burping and feeding again with only short and few breaks in between to sleep.  One of the hour long breaks I got last night came at 3am and I had to spend half an hour of that pumping and washing bottles.  I JUST lay down to rest and he's famished again, eats an ounce, can't burp but is writhing in stomach pains, finally burps, hungry again, on and on.  From my mommy groups, several women (breastfeeders) are experiencing this.  I can't imagine what this would do to my nipples if I were putting him to the breast.  The term "shredded" comes to mind.  Ugh.  I've been giving him doses of simethicone to ease the burping process, but really, he should be getting formula exclusively at night if I'm to get any meaningful rest at all.  The breastmilk just exacerbates the whole vicious cycle anyway and I pump and suffer for what?  There are no benefits here to him or me.

I need that pill.

Not yeast

Had a culture taken.  I, for sure, do not/no longer have thrush.  I can no longer blame my problems on yeast.  There is no need to coat Wiley's mouth with gentian violet or for me to give up wine and cheese for that candida diet thingy (thank God).

So this is just how I am, I guess.

Fuck Jack "Its not supposed to hurt" Newman.  Fuck him in the neck.

I don't think realistically any form or fashion of latch that the little guy is physically capable of is going to fix it.  What I hear from other "real" breastfeeding mommies is that with normal nipples, really, a clumsy latch doesn't really matter.  They breastfeed.  It's not a big deal.  They latch them in carriers in the mall, they latch them half asleep, they are barely paying attention and here I am agonizing over every millimeter of areola and where it lands in his mouth...  No, its just not this painstaking for women for whom it CAN work.

I'm just not one of those women.  And this time, as opposed to last time, I tried everything, I explored every avenue, I was aggressive, and it turns out I just am a pumper.  That was the right decision last time and its right again unless I want my nipples to disintegrate in my baby's mouth and fall off.

I can keep trying to latch him once a day just to satisfy my... whatever... and see if after a few more weeks something magical happens, the breastfeeding goddesses smile upon me and I suddenly toughen up.  But I don't think the prospects are promising.

I'll keep pumping for a little while longer.  But we won't be doing this for 6 months like last time.

Still going.

Had a lactation consultant in.  She thinks its still thrush and the latch can be improved.  It will take work - a nursing "boot camp" which will involve no small amount of pain to get through to retrain his latch so he's not so pinchy on my nipples.

And she's sending me a treatment plan for thrush which will involve treating little guy as well, likely with gentian violet which I have not been able to find.  I asked the pharmacist at CVS where I'm told it is carried. I had to spell it for the guy.  No clue what I was talking about.  So apparently "CVS" is not good enough.  Tell me a specific CVS and tell me where they keep it.  And baby has no signs of thrush anyway.    How can I have any hope any of this will do any good?  Will it realistically lead to anything more than more pain, more frustration and is it even worth it?

Probably not.

Maybe I should just give in to the pump, promise myself its only for a few more weeks and just move on with my life.  Accept that I was lied to about breastfeeding.  Its not easy, its not beautiful, its not natural, its not healthy, not for me, and not for many many women.  It is all those things for the women who say its those things.  Their experiences are not mine, and cannot be mine.  They are projecting their individual experiences on me and other moms and they are being cruel.  They have not pumped a mile in my breasts.  They are ignorant of what my experience is and I should not let them in to my otherwise cozy and happy relationship with my new baby.

They are evil evil bitches.  I should just stop being a victim to them and their lies.  Maybe.  I'll keep at it another day, maybe another week.  I'm still not sweating formula, I'm not sweating the pump.  I'm not sweating period.  I'll do what I can do but I'm tired of crying over this.

Don't think I can do it anymore...

I'm going to ask for something to dry up my milk.  If this is normal (for me, I know its not normal for other women.  The species would be dead) I want no part of it.  The constant 24/7 severe sunburn feel and the razor blades and knives latch-on that is again taking longer and longer to go away...  I'm suffering and I'm scared of my baby.  And I don't have to be.  I can get rid of this scourge.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week.

PS.  Maybe some would say I'm only 2 weeks 2 days in to this, give it more time.  The thing is this is the same problem I had last time.  I had this pain and sensitivity for 6 months until I finally, finally gave up the pump and weaned.  It won't go away for me.  It didn't last time and there is no reason to believe it would this time.  This is not OK.

These boobs were made for pumping...

Some more whining about breastfeeding...  I've been doing well with my goal of putting little man to the breast once a day.  This morning it was about 30 minutes, probably more, left side, right side, then left again.  He ate leisurely and I dripped constantly from the side he wasn't working on.  And I still felt pretty full afterwards.

The thing is I pump about 6 ounces - two feedings - at a time.  This is probably because my first son is only about 14 months weaned and I was pumping 9 or 10 ounces a pop then.  No way little man can drain me right now.  So he's only likely getting small amounts of hindmilk at the breast and I'm never empty after feeding that way.  grrr...

Plus, with the pump I'm done after 10 or 15 minutes, max, with very little pain.  Versus still significant pain, longer time commitment, minimal relief from engorgement.

I said I did NOT want to become an exclusive pumper again.  But its hard with so many upsides.  The only benefits to proper breastfeeding seems to be no bottles to wash, and the sense of normalcy, not attached to that stupid machine.

But honestly if the pain and the nasty nasty sensitivity would just go away, I'd totally hang out and let my supply adjust.  There is something debilitating about having spots on your chest that your child's foot mustn't brush up against while you're holding them because it makes you climb the wall, having even the loosest shirts  annoy the dickens out of you and barely being able to stand a seat belt across your chest.  Its a constant reminder of how miserable breastfeeding makes every moment of the day.

Not sure how much longer I'll last...  I was hoping to give it a month.

PS Just as I published this my Bravado nursing bra arrived in the mail.  I was hoping it would get here before I gave up.  Maybe its a sign.  lol.

Bravado Designs

These people want to sell you a nursing bra, but they also have some fantastic and very practical breastfeeding information and troubleshooting tips, in which formula supplementation is not thee DEBIL!

Salt water soaks for sore nipples.  I never heard of such a thing!  Kudos for new tips and things to try.  Now that one didn't do as much for me as my vinegar rinses (it sounds so strange, yet it is soothing)  But the advice to not do two feedings in a row on sore nipples strikes me as spot on.  I can do one feeding a day, about.  Then I get over confident and go for another one and I'm back to the tears and the setbacks.  One feeding, then a pump, and don't over do it.  I'm lucky I pump about two feedings in one sitting though.  Means I can go 6 hours or so between.

Right now I'm mainly dealing with a severe sunburn feeling on the nips and the very painful latch-on, but after that, the pain quickly diminishes to something very tolerable.  I feel like this is normal getting-started kind of discomfort and the thrushiness might actually be going away.  Yay.  We'll see.

pH Solutions?

OMG is it my imagination or did drinking some diluted vinegar almost immediately calm my emerging deep breast pains?  It makes sense to me why it would help - altering my body pH to make it hostile to yeast - but could it be that obvious and easy?  Or is it just placebo?  I dunno, but Ima keep doin it.  It is strangely delicious and refreshing.  And makes my head feel kinda funny...

Second fluconazole today.

Pumped 5 ounces for little man.  He's still about half formula though.  We'll try a breastfeed or two later today if I feel like I can stand it...

Mixed Messages from Lactoland

So I gave birth again a week ago.  (Yay! More on that later...)  And breastfeeding has been as much of a challenge and a pain as last time, only this time I was expecting it and I know more about it.  I thought it might be too early for thrush, but my hubby brought it up to the hospital LC who agreed - because of my history, because of Parker's recent yeasty rash, we have yeast all over our house, in our family and well-established in my system.  So she got me some APNO, the OB got me a one dose Fluconazole pill, she suggested vinegar rinses, lots of out in the air time for the girls, and various other things that we're working on and seem to be working how they are supposed to be working for yeast, so feeling confident that is what it is, its just slow going.  In all likelihood, I've had massive amounts of yeast in my system for years and have just gotten used to it.  Maybe its even causing other problems I've just come to accept...  I want to get rid of this stuff.  I want it gone and I want to heal and I would like to be able to know what breastfeeding is really supposed to feel like.  I've never known breastfeeding without thrush.  That makes me feel all kinds of sorry for myself.

I never rated my post-op pain higher than about a 5 or a 6.  Breastfeeding for me is an 8 or a 9.  This is what I'm dealing with.

My intactivist/lactivist friends wish me congrats on my perfect, whole son and I give them a little update.  And ask for any of their wisdom on thrush.  Any odd tips or tricks I may not have heard of.  They mention APNO and various other things I'm already doing, but some pretty stark mixed messages come into play that are very frustrating for me, as a mom struggling to breastfeed.  I wish they'd get their story straight.

Horrible mixed message #1 - PAIN.  You'll read everywhere that breastfeeding is not supposed to hurt, its not supposed to hurt, its not supposed to hurt.  I suppose they want the naive first time mom to not be scared to breastfeed because of pain.  But the second you breastfeed and find it very painful, it seems every lactivist in the world comes out of the woodwork and tells you its normal.  She'll tell you how very very painful it was for her at first, or when she got mastitis or a clogged duct and whatnot and you just have to feed through the pain, clench on to something, say some choice four letter words and trust it will get better.  It did for them in a week/two weeks/one month.

So breastfeeding does not hurt.  Except when it does.  Then its totally normal.  I see.

Horrible mixed message #2  - Breastfeeding is free!  But once you have a problem, you're advised to see a lactation consultant, maybe another doctor for second opinions, more lactation consultants "It took 8 different lactation consultants to find my son's obscure kind of tongue-tie"  That sort of thing.  I don't think these ladies understand the going rates for lactation consultants in my area.  And they want me to see 8 or more of them till someone maybe tells me something different?  That's a far cry from free.

So breastfeeding is free.  Unless you encounter any booby traps.  Then you can't put a price on achieving a healthy breastfeeding relationship.  Priceless quickly starts to sound like bottomless money pit to my ears.

Horrible mixed message #3 - We're here to support you.  That's nice, but I was also told to surround myself with boob people who successfully breastfed.  And not to listen to or associate with those that have "failed to breastfeed"  Really?  Such an ugly word.  Fail.  Fail.  Fail to breastfeed.  That really really disconcerted me.  So if my best efforts to do this do not result in the dreamy wonderful normal breastfeeding relationship that *I* so desperately want, you will be telling other moms not to associate with me?  You will refer to me and my ilk as a failure and you will shun me.

This is why I could never be a lactivist.  I just couldn't look at someone like me, crying for the umpteenth time on her couch in horrible desperate pain, wiping her blood off the cheek of her newborn and think of her like that.  I don't know how anyone with human decency and compassion could.

When I ask for help, I don't need you to cheerlead.  I need practical tips and advice.  I need down and dirty details that relate to my condition.  I don't need re-diagnosis when I've consulted with professionals in person and agree with their assessment.  I don't need people to tell me not to feed my baby one way when I can't feed him any other for now.

This is ultimately about the baby.  My boobs are a detail, a supporting player.  The baby is the star of the show here and I took home a baby that was gaining weight, peaceful and content, not a sign of a health problem on him.  Yes, I gave him formula from day 1.  I did.  Because from day 1 the pain was right back where it was the last day I put my first son to the breast.

I didn't cut my baby because I see no point in needless suffering for him.  I'm supplementing formula when I can't handle the pain of breastfeeding because I see no point in needless suffering for me.  Why can't some people see the parallels?

Baby and I are both happy and healthy.  Nothing should interfere with that.  Not even breastfeeding.  Once I exhaust every reasonable avenue for a solution to my thrush issues, if all I'm left with is formula... So be it.