pH Solutions?

OMG is it my imagination or did drinking some diluted vinegar almost immediately calm my emerging deep breast pains?  It makes sense to me why it would help - altering my body pH to make it hostile to yeast - but could it be that obvious and easy?  Or is it just placebo?  I dunno, but Ima keep doin it.  It is strangely delicious and refreshing.  And makes my head feel kinda funny...

Second fluconazole today.

Pumped 5 ounces for little man.  He's still about half formula though.  We'll try a breastfeed or two later today if I feel like I can stand it...

Mixed Messages from Lactoland

So I gave birth again a week ago.  (Yay! More on that later...)  And breastfeeding has been as much of a challenge and a pain as last time, only this time I was expecting it and I know more about it.  I thought it might be too early for thrush, but my hubby brought it up to the hospital LC who agreed - because of my history, because of Parker's recent yeasty rash, we have yeast all over our house, in our family and well-established in my system.  So she got me some APNO, the OB got me a one dose Fluconazole pill, she suggested vinegar rinses, lots of out in the air time for the girls, and various other things that we're working on and seem to be working how they are supposed to be working for yeast, so feeling confident that is what it is, its just slow going.  In all likelihood, I've had massive amounts of yeast in my system for years and have just gotten used to it.  Maybe its even causing other problems I've just come to accept...  I want to get rid of this stuff.  I want it gone and I want to heal and I would like to be able to know what breastfeeding is really supposed to feel like.  I've never known breastfeeding without thrush.  That makes me feel all kinds of sorry for myself.

I never rated my post-op pain higher than about a 5 or a 6.  Breastfeeding for me is an 8 or a 9.  This is what I'm dealing with.

My intactivist/lactivist friends wish me congrats on my perfect, whole son and I give them a little update.  And ask for any of their wisdom on thrush.  Any odd tips or tricks I may not have heard of.  They mention APNO and various other things I'm already doing, but some pretty stark mixed messages come into play that are very frustrating for me, as a mom struggling to breastfeed.  I wish they'd get their story straight.

Horrible mixed message #1 - PAIN.  You'll read everywhere that breastfeeding is not supposed to hurt, its not supposed to hurt, its not supposed to hurt.  I suppose they want the naive first time mom to not be scared to breastfeed because of pain.  But the second you breastfeed and find it very painful, it seems every lactivist in the world comes out of the woodwork and tells you its normal.  She'll tell you how very very painful it was for her at first, or when she got mastitis or a clogged duct and whatnot and you just have to feed through the pain, clench on to something, say some choice four letter words and trust it will get better.  It did for them in a week/two weeks/one month.

So breastfeeding does not hurt.  Except when it does.  Then its totally normal.  I see.

Horrible mixed message #2  - Breastfeeding is free!  But once you have a problem, you're advised to see a lactation consultant, maybe another doctor for second opinions, more lactation consultants "It took 8 different lactation consultants to find my son's obscure kind of tongue-tie"  That sort of thing.  I don't think these ladies understand the going rates for lactation consultants in my area.  And they want me to see 8 or more of them till someone maybe tells me something different?  That's a far cry from free.

So breastfeeding is free.  Unless you encounter any booby traps.  Then you can't put a price on achieving a healthy breastfeeding relationship.  Priceless quickly starts to sound like bottomless money pit to my ears.

Horrible mixed message #3 - We're here to support you.  That's nice, but I was also told to surround myself with boob people who successfully breastfed.  And not to listen to or associate with those that have "failed to breastfeed"  Really?  Such an ugly word.  Fail.  Fail.  Fail to breastfeed.  That really really disconcerted me.  So if my best efforts to do this do not result in the dreamy wonderful normal breastfeeding relationship that *I* so desperately want, you will be telling other moms not to associate with me?  You will refer to me and my ilk as a failure and you will shun me.

This is why I could never be a lactivist.  I just couldn't look at someone like me, crying for the umpteenth time on her couch in horrible desperate pain, wiping her blood off the cheek of her newborn and think of her like that.  I don't know how anyone with human decency and compassion could.

When I ask for help, I don't need you to cheerlead.  I need practical tips and advice.  I need down and dirty details that relate to my condition.  I don't need re-diagnosis when I've consulted with professionals in person and agree with their assessment.  I don't need people to tell me not to feed my baby one way when I can't feed him any other for now.

This is ultimately about the baby.  My boobs are a detail, a supporting player.  The baby is the star of the show here and I took home a baby that was gaining weight, peaceful and content, not a sign of a health problem on him.  Yes, I gave him formula from day 1.  I did.  Because from day 1 the pain was right back where it was the last day I put my first son to the breast.

I didn't cut my baby because I see no point in needless suffering for him.  I'm supplementing formula when I can't handle the pain of breastfeeding because I see no point in needless suffering for me.  Why can't some people see the parallels?

Baby and I are both happy and healthy.  Nothing should interfere with that.  Not even breastfeeding.  Once I exhaust every reasonable avenue for a solution to my thrush issues, if all I'm left with is formula... So be it.

I love reading the opposite perspective.  Here:  The Tyranny of Cloth Diapers

Attachment - Overrated?

Its an observation, an anecdote, but something I've been thinking about for some time.  Maybe all this emphasis on bonding and attachment to your baby is... way overrated.  On one of my anti-crunch groups someone recently was pointing out how you can bond over a bottle of formula too, as if that squashes an anti-formula argument.  Well, yes, I'm sure that's true, but it just demonstrates what a big deal we make over bonding.  Every one takes it as a matter of fact that of course bonding is crucial, and how crucial cannot be overstated.  Sure its important, but HOW important is it really?  I think it IS overstated, and overrated.

I have a friend who didn't read much of anything during pregnancy, didn't have her heart too set on any particular parenting method, didn't have a birth plan - she watched me drive myself crazy and wisely opted not to do that to herself.  Wouldn't you know it, SHE was the one who got the vaginal birth, who is still breastfeeding at 10 months and for whom co-sleeping just worked in a natural no drama kind of way.  She and I have the kind of relationship where we can give each other crap about these things and laugh it all off and learn from each other.  She's great.  She works from home and is bonded very securely to that child.  But she is SO intensely bonded that when she comes to visit, she can't leave the room or Baby Jenny (I'll call her) has an absolute total meltdown.  Just the sight of her mother walking away from her is enough.  Poor Jenny just screams for 2 solid minutes while my friend pees.  She can't even leave her with her mom or sister at home because of this extreme attachment, and it is really wearing on her.  She recently had what she describes as 3 or 4 days of sheer hell trying to get her to sleep in her own crib at night.  Ironically, she is now DEVOURING "Babywise" in an effort to find some sanity and balance in life.

Similar situation with a 6 month old who has just started coming to my son's home daycare a few days a week. For 6 months, she has only been with Mommy, and after seeing her with Mommy, you can see what a cutie and a delight she is, but at daycare, when Mommy leaves, she cries nearly constantly.  And if a stranger enters the room and she sees or hears them, she starts up again if she had settled.  Doesn't matter if you sing to her, rock her, hold her, talk to her, show her a toy, there is no soothing her.  This child is in extreme anxiety and its sad to see.

I have other crunchy friends who have never ever left their kids, not even with their father, and because of their extreme attachment, they can't now.  It would cause the child extreme distress, and probably the mother as well.  Doesn't seem very healthy to me.  So then should Mommy never leave?

I can hear the answer now.  No, of course she should always be there for her child.  Parenting is hard and if you don't want the job, don't have kids.  This is what you signed up for.  Its YOUR job to raise your kids, no one else's.

A lovely platitude, but is it realistic?  Is it fair?  Will that really work for YOU?  In many cultures the women of childbearing age have STUFF TO DO and its the grandmothers or older siblings who take over childcare while they are out at the market or whatnot.  I don't know where we got this idea that mothers absolutely have to do all the childcare, and that a good mother will not outsource this or get any help from anyone else.

I don't see these parent-child relationships as very functional, for mom or baby, really.  At least not at a level I could function well at.  I initially felt horrified that I turned out to be the type of mother who dropped her kid in daycare at 7 weeks, and nearly dry-eyed, went back to work, when I could have stayed home a little longer.  But Parker didn't cry when I left him there, and he still doesn't cry when its time for me to leave him.  He's already too busy eating his yogurt or playing and exploring.  I think he actually looks forward to the change in scenery.  But he's still bonded to me.  He somehow knows when its time for me to pick him up and starts looking expectantly at the door, and when he sees me, I get a huge smile.

Parker is so secure and confident, and that actually comes from a healthy place of DE-tachment, rather than hyper attachment.  The AP theory is the opposite though.  From AP you come to think that security and confidence come from a solid foundation of attachment with the parents, and from that security, they blossom into confident little explorers of the world.  But comparing my little guy to AP kids, that's very falsifiable.  Sure, every kid is different, but those kids are stressed and lost without mommy around.  They have no coping skills.  These babies I know are young enough, they will learn and adjust, but it has been no picnic for mom to reclaim her life just a little bit.  And I'm sorry, but I think its reasonable for moms to have a bit of a life.  It's no sin.  If you want to be a complete martyr, go for it, but that doesn't mean every mommy has to as well.  There are many ways to raise kids, and right now, compared with what I see around me, mine is very emotionally healthy, even if I do work.  Maybe even because I work.

I think I've ended up making all the right mistakes, in spite of myself.  And with my next little one, coming this summer, I won't hesitate to hand him off to Grandma as I did with Parker and enjoy a manicure.  And I won't hesitate to send him to daycare as well at 7 weeks, just like I did with his brother.  I won't however, feel any guilt or regret about it though.  I want him to be as calm and assured as his brother that yes, mommy is coming back, so let's go play and have fun.

Circumcision: Yes or No ...or Wait?

So you’re going to circumcise your son and that’s final.  I get it.  Nothing I can say will change your mind.  I won’t even try.  He is your son.

Could I at least get you to consider waiting?

So many times this is viewed as a yes/no at-the-hospital decision, when actually it can also be a not-just-yet decision.  It can be done at any time, really.  Maybe you just want to get it over with, but really this shouldn’t be about your convenience, but his health.  If its healthier and safer to wait, why wouldn’t you?  I can give you so many reasons why the longer you wait to have it done, the better it is for him.  

So at least don’t do it in the first few days of his life.  His little body is so new and fragile, and his penis is so tiny (no offense)  ;)  It is extraordinarily easy to take too much or too little skin when its that small and we’re talking millimeters.  It is so important to get this right, yet this is the most difficult time in his life for that to happen.  Also, breastfeeding is not well established yet.  On the chance that it really does interfere, it is worth it to wait.  You’ll kick yourself later if breastfeeding doesn’t work out.  Won’t you always wonder if there was something you could have done differently to help breastfeeding go more smoothly?  This is one thing.  Many mothers report that their sons will not make eye contact or breastfeed after the pain of their circumcisions, and that they view it as a betrayal by their mother to allow this painful thing to happen to them.  I don’t know if that’s really true or not, but could you wait just a little bit after that crucial initial bonding time and he’s feeding and gaining weight?  

Also, since he’s so tiny, another major risk of this delicate surgery is hemorrhage.  It is so easy to nick that teeny tiny artery.  It doesn’t take but half a shot glass worth of blood loss (2.3 ounces) for your baby to bleed to death at this stage, and it happens fast.  Just one ounce of blood loss puts them into shock.  If you think I’m exaggerating the dangers of the surgery at this age, I’m really not.  About the same number of boys die at this age from circumcision, it is estimated, than from SIDS, and you’d do anything to reduce his risk of SIDS, yes?   And trust me, this is not the way you want to find out if your son is a hemophiliac.

Also, babies do feel pain, the foreskin has some 20,000 nerve endings (NSFW), it is not just dead skin, and he is too small for an effective anesthetic to be safe.  The pain is extreme, I’m sorry to say.  You’ve maybe heard stories of babies sleeping through the procedure, but I assure you, many babies react to this extreme pain by going into shock.  They are completely restrained and no one is reacting to their screams, so this is one way that some of them cope.  If you wait, he can at least get effective, safe anesthesia. There is nothing wrong with just waiting.  You’ll be taking him to well baby checkups all the time anyway.  It’s simply one more appointment, its not a big deal.


As far as UTI’s go, his absolute risk is only about 1% or less and UTIs are readily treated with antibiotics.  Don’t forcibly retract and his UTI risk is even lower, more on that next.  The serious complication rate of circumcision, however, is about 4% and those can be much more complicated to fix if they can be fixed at all.  Adhesions after circumcision are painful to resolve and breathtakingly common. There are more men out there than you realize who have simply learned to live with a botched circumcision. (Link NSFW)


Speaking of infection, could you wait until he is out of diapers?  If we are talking about cleanliness, how clean is it to have an open wound exposed to urine and feces in a diaper all day?  His risk of infection and things like meatitis will go way down if you just wait until he is potty trained, and intact care for the baby is so easy!  All you have to do is clean it like you would a finger, and for God’s sake don’t let anyone forcibly retract his foreskin before it separates on its own.  It protects the head of the penis in the diaper and is fused to it with the same biological mechanism that attaches your fingernails to your fingers.  You don’t need to rip the baby’s nails off to clean his fingers.  Ripping the foreskin away is just as painful and just as sensible, and causes its own complications.  If any doctor advises you to, direct them to the AAP on the subject.  (They say no)  It probably won’t retract on its own until age 5 or even 10, and that’s really not a problem healthwise, so just leave it alone and be patient. 
 

Which brings me to waiting until his foreskin is fully retractable on its own.  A good deal of the trauma and infection risk from the procedure is from ripping the foreskin away before it is cut off, exposing the raw, bleeding, very tender skin on the head of the penis.  If you wait until the retraction process has worked itself out naturally, you’ve cut the pain and the healing process in half making for a much easier recovery. In the mean time, hygiene for the naturally retractable, intact penis is trivial - pull it back, rinse, replace. That's it. Most young boys are more than happy to play with their penis a bit in the shower, so in reality, that's not a huge deal. And with proper care (no premature forced retraction), YOU will likely never even have to do it for him.



So if you’ve waited this long, your son is now able to understand your reasons and communicate with you about his feelings.  Why not talk it out with him and see if he wants to keep waiting?



Actually, since it is classified as an elective cosmetic procedure (non-therapeutic) with only shaky evidence of any statistically significant benefit, and he is still a minor, why not wait until he is 18 or older and can go ahead and give his own consent?  It really comes down to preference and it is his penis, after all, and he’ll soon be a man, legally and sexually.   Who knows at the time of his birth what his future peers will have in their drawers, or what his girlfriends will prefer?  By the time he’s older, you might have a better idea about what he is facing socially.  The truth is the rates of circumcisions ARE dropping.  Maybe he’s totally fine with staying as he is.  Wouldn’t it be nice to give him the choice his father didn’t have?  His father is totally happy with his penis, yes, but really, by definition, he doesn’t know what he’s missing, so how does he really know which is better for his son?  What if a foreskin is actually a good thing to have?  What if? (Video in link NSFW)



Or maybe, after some reflection, he really wants it done.  He sees some benefits and wants to look like his dad and whatnot.  No problem.  He’s not in diapers, he CAN have all the safe pain relief he needs, both during and after the procedure, he’s at much lower risk for bleeding to death and his body is so much better at fighting off infection.  Perhaps most importantly, he is fully developed and the object they are operating on is much much larger and easier to work on than when he was a newborn baby, thus the chances of getting just the right amount of the right skin are so much better.


Best of all, you are completely absolved of any possible feelings of guilt or regret, because this difficult decision was not your decision at all, but his own.  



There are so many reasons I won’t circumcise my baby son, but your mind is also made up - I respect that.  But I hope you can see that the worst possible time to do it is immediately after he’s born, and actually, the longer you wait, the better.  So please, just consider waiting.  That’s all.


P.S. And you don't even have to be annoying like me about it either. If someone asks "Did you have him circumcised?" You can simply say "Not yet." And leave it at that.

Circumcision is Woo

Vintage woo.

Forced Organization AB

AB = After Baby.  There is a very distinct divide between pre-baby and life after baby.  You can't anticipate all the ways in which it will change you, you just know from everything you've heard that it will.  We couldn't have fully prepared.  I tried.  I looked for all the answers and fell into the crowd that has them all - the AP crunchy crowd.  For me, this was all the appeal.  I was overwhelmed, about to enter a foreign and strange land.  And I wanted to do well.  I wanted to have some advance training in the language, the customs, a roadmap, and these people HAD IT.  I think this is why some people are drawn to religious cults.  The Mormons and the Jehovah's Witnesses have an answer, no THE answer to every question.  What exactly happens after we die?  Like moment, by moment, where do we go and what is it like?  There is an answer, and there is cause and effect.  Gives a great sense of peace, calm and control.  If I push button X, then Y will happen.  If I co-sleep, then we will all rest and baby will be secure and confident, spouse and I will be well-rested.  Good to know.  People would warn me about sleepless nights when I was pregnant.  I would laugh it off.  No, silly, we're CO-SLEEPING.  We won't have any of THOSE problems.  They'd look at me like "Good luck with that.  Are you insane?"  Yes.  I had all the answers.  And then I had a baby.

But I digress.  One of the unanticipated side effects of the introduction of baby into our lives was a the urgent need to become more organized.  Like, MUCH more organized.  Or we didn't eat.  Literally.  At dinner we'd try our usual routine of What do you want for dinner?  Oh I dunno, what do you want?  PB this could go on for an hour or two and eventually something would end up cooked and eaten, usually at a restaurant.  AB this would go on for 5 minutes and we'd get caught up in other baby routine stuff and then it would be time to collapse in bed.  Baby ate, but frequently we didn't.  (not that this led to any weight loss.  boo.)  So in the last few weeks I have, out of survival instinct, devised a schedule for meals for the week.  I think its pretty nifty so I'm going to share.  Not that anyone who sat down and thought about it for 5 minutes couldn't or wouldn't come up with something similar, but that's just the thing.  Sometimes with a baby its hard to sit and think coherently.  Maybe its easier to see it on some random person's blog.   Here you go.

I do meal shopping for the week on Sunday afternoon.  Sometimes Parker goes with me, sometimes he stays home with Daddy.

It's important to plan fresh produce in our diets, but produce doesn't last long.  Thus, the freshest, most quickly spoiling things we have the earliest in the week, and the end of the week is for freezer stuff and leftovers.  So, we have a big dinner salad on Mondays, with grilled chicken, nuts, cheese, dried cranberries, tossed with dressing.  These have become a big hit.  Last week, SoggyDad grilled steaks to go with the salad instead of chicken.

Tuesday is ground beef day.  Default is meatloaf, but spaghetti is an alternate, or a hamburger helper type thing, with fresh veggies.

Wednesday is pot roast day, with celery, carrots, potatoes, etc  Note:  Tuesdays and Wednesdays are interchangeable)

Thursday is DH's night to bring home Boston Market or Arby's.  He knows what I like there so there is no wondering about what to get.

Friday is bake/cook something out of the freezer night.  Chicken Cordon Bleus, Pizza, skillet meal, etc

So this works very well so far, about 4 weeks in.  There is just enough choice built in to keep it interesting, but not enough that we have to think too hard.  And we mostly get a healthy dinner every night.  True, could be healthier, could be better, but we can add levels of complexity later.  Sleep is finally getting much better...  It is true for us that if we have to think too hard and make decisions, it won't happen.  All our creativity and thought goes into figuring out what the hell the baby wants right now.  lol.  It's a mystery and an obsession.  We're getting much better at it now, but until he talks, a lot of burden is on us and our skill in guesswork.

We also plan activities.  Like, days and weeks in advance.  This I like more than I would have thought, really.  I get to look forward to going out on a date night for 3 days, because that's how long in advance we have to line up the babysitter.  I have plans to take the family to the Spy Museum this weekend.  Again, if we have to plan too much on the fly, nothing exciting happens.  We MIGHT end up at the mall, but probably nothing better.

They say babies really thrive on a schedule.  I wouldn't have believed this.  "Schedule" is sort of a bad word in AP circles.  Everything should be "on demand".  But when you can't remember how long its been since the baby demanded food (or at least you thought he was demanding food.  In any case, he was fed...) you don't know if he's more hungry, or tired, or what...  The reality is that babies have so little control over their lives, their ability to communicate is very limited and leads to lots of frustration on both ends.  There is something comforting about at least knowing what comes next, and that it is pleasant and predictable.  And scheduling ends up being more about anticipating what baby will want before the situation gets critical, than fitting his needs into a box.  Yes, scheduling = peace.

True for baby, and true for new parents, too.  The thing is, we have had to find our own way.  No one can blaze this trail for you, and that's OK because its part of the fun and adventure.  Thinking we could simply follow someone else's trail only led to confusion and disappointments.  Once I've let that go, there's been a lot more joy.