Not yeast

Had a culture taken.  I, for sure, do not/no longer have thrush.  I can no longer blame my problems on yeast.  There is no need to coat Wiley's mouth with gentian violet or for me to give up wine and cheese for that candida diet thingy (thank God).

So this is just how I am, I guess.

Fuck Jack "Its not supposed to hurt" Newman.  Fuck him in the neck.

I don't think realistically any form or fashion of latch that the little guy is physically capable of is going to fix it.  What I hear from other "real" breastfeeding mommies is that with normal nipples, really, a clumsy latch doesn't really matter.  They breastfeed.  It's not a big deal.  They latch them in carriers in the mall, they latch them half asleep, they are barely paying attention and here I am agonizing over every millimeter of areola and where it lands in his mouth...  No, its just not this painstaking for women for whom it CAN work.

I'm just not one of those women.  And this time, as opposed to last time, I tried everything, I explored every avenue, I was aggressive, and it turns out I just am a pumper.  That was the right decision last time and its right again unless I want my nipples to disintegrate in my baby's mouth and fall off.

I can keep trying to latch him once a day just to satisfy my... whatever... and see if after a few more weeks something magical happens, the breastfeeding goddesses smile upon me and I suddenly toughen up.  But I don't think the prospects are promising.

I'll keep pumping for a little while longer.  But we won't be doing this for 6 months like last time.

Still going.

Had a lactation consultant in.  She thinks its still thrush and the latch can be improved.  It will take work - a nursing "boot camp" which will involve no small amount of pain to get through to retrain his latch so he's not so pinchy on my nipples.

And she's sending me a treatment plan for thrush which will involve treating little guy as well, likely with gentian violet which I have not been able to find.  I asked the pharmacist at CVS where I'm told it is carried. I had to spell it for the guy.  No clue what I was talking about.  So apparently "CVS" is not good enough.  Tell me a specific CVS and tell me where they keep it.  And baby has no signs of thrush anyway.    How can I have any hope any of this will do any good?  Will it realistically lead to anything more than more pain, more frustration and is it even worth it?

Probably not.

Maybe I should just give in to the pump, promise myself its only for a few more weeks and just move on with my life.  Accept that I was lied to about breastfeeding.  Its not easy, its not beautiful, its not natural, its not healthy, not for me, and not for many many women.  It is all those things for the women who say its those things.  Their experiences are not mine, and cannot be mine.  They are projecting their individual experiences on me and other moms and they are being cruel.  They have not pumped a mile in my breasts.  They are ignorant of what my experience is and I should not let them in to my otherwise cozy and happy relationship with my new baby.

They are evil evil bitches.  I should just stop being a victim to them and their lies.  Maybe.  I'll keep at it another day, maybe another week.  I'm still not sweating formula, I'm not sweating the pump.  I'm not sweating period.  I'll do what I can do but I'm tired of crying over this.

Don't think I can do it anymore...

I'm going to ask for something to dry up my milk.  If this is normal (for me, I know its not normal for other women.  The species would be dead) I want no part of it.  The constant 24/7 severe sunburn feel and the razor blades and knives latch-on that is again taking longer and longer to go away...  I'm suffering and I'm scared of my baby.  And I don't have to be.  I can get rid of this scourge.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week.

PS.  Maybe some would say I'm only 2 weeks 2 days in to this, give it more time.  The thing is this is the same problem I had last time.  I had this pain and sensitivity for 6 months until I finally, finally gave up the pump and weaned.  It won't go away for me.  It didn't last time and there is no reason to believe it would this time.  This is not OK.

These boobs were made for pumping...

Some more whining about breastfeeding...  I've been doing well with my goal of putting little man to the breast once a day.  This morning it was about 30 minutes, probably more, left side, right side, then left again.  He ate leisurely and I dripped constantly from the side he wasn't working on.  And I still felt pretty full afterwards.

The thing is I pump about 6 ounces - two feedings - at a time.  This is probably because my first son is only about 14 months weaned and I was pumping 9 or 10 ounces a pop then.  No way little man can drain me right now.  So he's only likely getting small amounts of hindmilk at the breast and I'm never empty after feeding that way.  grrr...

Plus, with the pump I'm done after 10 or 15 minutes, max, with very little pain.  Versus still significant pain, longer time commitment, minimal relief from engorgement.

I said I did NOT want to become an exclusive pumper again.  But its hard with so many upsides.  The only benefits to proper breastfeeding seems to be no bottles to wash, and the sense of normalcy, not attached to that stupid machine.

But honestly if the pain and the nasty nasty sensitivity would just go away, I'd totally hang out and let my supply adjust.  There is something debilitating about having spots on your chest that your child's foot mustn't brush up against while you're holding them because it makes you climb the wall, having even the loosest shirts  annoy the dickens out of you and barely being able to stand a seat belt across your chest.  Its a constant reminder of how miserable breastfeeding makes every moment of the day.

Not sure how much longer I'll last...  I was hoping to give it a month.

PS Just as I published this my Bravado nursing bra arrived in the mail.  I was hoping it would get here before I gave up.  Maybe its a sign.  lol.

Bravado Designs

These people want to sell you a nursing bra, but they also have some fantastic and very practical breastfeeding information and troubleshooting tips, in which formula supplementation is not thee DEBIL!

Salt water soaks for sore nipples.  I never heard of such a thing!  Kudos for new tips and things to try.  Now that one didn't do as much for me as my vinegar rinses (it sounds so strange, yet it is soothing)  But the advice to not do two feedings in a row on sore nipples strikes me as spot on.  I can do one feeding a day, about.  Then I get over confident and go for another one and I'm back to the tears and the setbacks.  One feeding, then a pump, and don't over do it.  I'm lucky I pump about two feedings in one sitting though.  Means I can go 6 hours or so between.

Right now I'm mainly dealing with a severe sunburn feeling on the nips and the very painful latch-on, but after that, the pain quickly diminishes to something very tolerable.  I feel like this is normal getting-started kind of discomfort and the thrushiness might actually be going away.  Yay.  We'll see.

pH Solutions?

OMG is it my imagination or did drinking some diluted vinegar almost immediately calm my emerging deep breast pains?  It makes sense to me why it would help - altering my body pH to make it hostile to yeast - but could it be that obvious and easy?  Or is it just placebo?  I dunno, but Ima keep doin it.  It is strangely delicious and refreshing.  And makes my head feel kinda funny...

Second fluconazole today.

Pumped 5 ounces for little man.  He's still about half formula though.  We'll try a breastfeed or two later today if I feel like I can stand it...

Mixed Messages from Lactoland

So I gave birth again a week ago.  (Yay! More on that later...)  And breastfeeding has been as much of a challenge and a pain as last time, only this time I was expecting it and I know more about it.  I thought it might be too early for thrush, but my hubby brought it up to the hospital LC who agreed - because of my history, because of Parker's recent yeasty rash, we have yeast all over our house, in our family and well-established in my system.  So she got me some APNO, the OB got me a one dose Fluconazole pill, she suggested vinegar rinses, lots of out in the air time for the girls, and various other things that we're working on and seem to be working how they are supposed to be working for yeast, so feeling confident that is what it is, its just slow going.  In all likelihood, I've had massive amounts of yeast in my system for years and have just gotten used to it.  Maybe its even causing other problems I've just come to accept...  I want to get rid of this stuff.  I want it gone and I want to heal and I would like to be able to know what breastfeeding is really supposed to feel like.  I've never known breastfeeding without thrush.  That makes me feel all kinds of sorry for myself.

I never rated my post-op pain higher than about a 5 or a 6.  Breastfeeding for me is an 8 or a 9.  This is what I'm dealing with.

My intactivist/lactivist friends wish me congrats on my perfect, whole son and I give them a little update.  And ask for any of their wisdom on thrush.  Any odd tips or tricks I may not have heard of.  They mention APNO and various other things I'm already doing, but some pretty stark mixed messages come into play that are very frustrating for me, as a mom struggling to breastfeed.  I wish they'd get their story straight.

Horrible mixed message #1 - PAIN.  You'll read everywhere that breastfeeding is not supposed to hurt, its not supposed to hurt, its not supposed to hurt.  I suppose they want the naive first time mom to not be scared to breastfeed because of pain.  But the second you breastfeed and find it very painful, it seems every lactivist in the world comes out of the woodwork and tells you its normal.  She'll tell you how very very painful it was for her at first, or when she got mastitis or a clogged duct and whatnot and you just have to feed through the pain, clench on to something, say some choice four letter words and trust it will get better.  It did for them in a week/two weeks/one month.

So breastfeeding does not hurt.  Except when it does.  Then its totally normal.  I see.

Horrible mixed message #2  - Breastfeeding is free!  But once you have a problem, you're advised to see a lactation consultant, maybe another doctor for second opinions, more lactation consultants "It took 8 different lactation consultants to find my son's obscure kind of tongue-tie"  That sort of thing.  I don't think these ladies understand the going rates for lactation consultants in my area.  And they want me to see 8 or more of them till someone maybe tells me something different?  That's a far cry from free.

So breastfeeding is free.  Unless you encounter any booby traps.  Then you can't put a price on achieving a healthy breastfeeding relationship.  Priceless quickly starts to sound like bottomless money pit to my ears.

Horrible mixed message #3 - We're here to support you.  That's nice, but I was also told to surround myself with boob people who successfully breastfed.  And not to listen to or associate with those that have "failed to breastfeed"  Really?  Such an ugly word.  Fail.  Fail.  Fail to breastfeed.  That really really disconcerted me.  So if my best efforts to do this do not result in the dreamy wonderful normal breastfeeding relationship that *I* so desperately want, you will be telling other moms not to associate with me?  You will refer to me and my ilk as a failure and you will shun me.

This is why I could never be a lactivist.  I just couldn't look at someone like me, crying for the umpteenth time on her couch in horrible desperate pain, wiping her blood off the cheek of her newborn and think of her like that.  I don't know how anyone with human decency and compassion could.

When I ask for help, I don't need you to cheerlead.  I need practical tips and advice.  I need down and dirty details that relate to my condition.  I don't need re-diagnosis when I've consulted with professionals in person and agree with their assessment.  I don't need people to tell me not to feed my baby one way when I can't feed him any other for now.

This is ultimately about the baby.  My boobs are a detail, a supporting player.  The baby is the star of the show here and I took home a baby that was gaining weight, peaceful and content, not a sign of a health problem on him.  Yes, I gave him formula from day 1.  I did.  Because from day 1 the pain was right back where it was the last day I put my first son to the breast.

I didn't cut my baby because I see no point in needless suffering for him.  I'm supplementing formula when I can't handle the pain of breastfeeding because I see no point in needless suffering for me.  Why can't some people see the parallels?

Baby and I are both happy and healthy.  Nothing should interfere with that.  Not even breastfeeding.  Once I exhaust every reasonable avenue for a solution to my thrush issues, if all I'm left with is formula... So be it.