Monday, August 6, 2012

Still going.

Had a lactation consultant in.  She thinks its still thrush and the latch can be improved.  It will take work - a nursing "boot camp" which will involve no small amount of pain to get through to retrain his latch so he's not so pinchy on my nipples.

And she's sending me a treatment plan for thrush which will involve treating little guy as well, likely with gentian violet which I have not been able to find.  I asked the pharmacist at CVS where I'm told it is carried. I had to spell it for the guy.  No clue what I was talking about.  So apparently "CVS" is not good enough.  Tell me a specific CVS and tell me where they keep it.  And baby has no signs of thrush anyway.    How can I have any hope any of this will do any good?  Will it realistically lead to anything more than more pain, more frustration and is it even worth it?

Probably not.

Maybe I should just give in to the pump, promise myself its only for a few more weeks and just move on with my life.  Accept that I was lied to about breastfeeding.  Its not easy, its not beautiful, its not natural, its not healthy, not for me, and not for many many women.  It is all those things for the women who say its those things.  Their experiences are not mine, and cannot be mine.  They are projecting their individual experiences on me and other moms and they are being cruel.  They have not pumped a mile in my breasts.  They are ignorant of what my experience is and I should not let them in to my otherwise cozy and happy relationship with my new baby.

They are evil evil bitches.  I should just stop being a victim to them and their lies.  Maybe.  I'll keep at it another day, maybe another week.  I'm still not sweating formula, I'm not sweating the pump.  I'm not sweating period.  I'll do what I can do but I'm tired of crying over this.

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